Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
