ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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