when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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