census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
