i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
