I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
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I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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