Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?