I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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