god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My Higher Power is John Stamos
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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