Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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