just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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