I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
