We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
