lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
