I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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