you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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