my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
