I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
