I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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