Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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