I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
