I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
