I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
