you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm both gender and math confused
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
