I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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