why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
