every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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