Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
