My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...