So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
