Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
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