I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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