I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i came on her dog
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
