eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Randomize
