paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
