so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
