Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You dont lie about slip and slides
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
