My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
