the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
