OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I didn't notice because vodka
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
