Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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