you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
