Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
