My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
