If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
