if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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