if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
