dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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