On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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