I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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