Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
