i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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