we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
