i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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