i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
