the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
